I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
