dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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