Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
