Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize