Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
