ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
