I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Bring me that man meat
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
