i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
