she looked like the before picture.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
