I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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