From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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