How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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