Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
