she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
