Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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