i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
