I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
