Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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