I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I touched a dick in church today
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize