she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
