oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
