i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
