her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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