Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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