Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
