he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They took my balls.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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