I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
