I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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