I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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