and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
