I got chris browned last night
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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