3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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