How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
