at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
