Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
