I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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