it hurts more in the daytime
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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