Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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