I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
