there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
