Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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