I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
