Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
soo... how was my night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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