i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
