And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
