So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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