New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
