Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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