May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
only you would photoshop your dick
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
