i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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