I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
