Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You've changed since you got that strap on
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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