Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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