for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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