Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
