the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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