sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
