I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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