You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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