I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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