she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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