the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
