I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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